I’ve been thinking lately about writing a book.
I admire this fella Michael Pollan and notice that he’s been very successful with his books, many of which seem to include rules, lists and whatnot.
So here’s my idea . . .
I study about food and realize that other people are also interested in food, but not all of them have yet learned to be completely obnoxious about it. I will write a book that teaches people to wield a little food knowledge and a lot of self-righteousness at every meal to become truly insufferable food assholes.
The Food Asshole’s Dilemma.
Here are the rules that every “foodie” must learn.
- Eat food, mostly overpriced and hyper local.
- Except for food that is very obscure, even more overpriced and imported from very far away indeed.
- Eat what your grandmother ate, but only the things that take so long to prepare that she gave up making them long ago.
- If you eat meat, eat only the disgusting parts.
- If you don’t eat meat, let everyone know about it. All the time.
- Be vocal, very, very vocal.
- Be critical, very, very critical. But only of others.
- If you aren’t willing to invest in a set of tweezers, a cold smoker and a sous vide machine, just eat a Hot Pocket for chrissakes.
- Take many, many pictures of everything you eat and post them on Instagram without fail. Otherwise, eating didn’t count.
- Dining out is a sport. Unless you write a scathing review on Yelp and your food blog, you’ve lost.
- Drink your tea from a canning jar that your grandmother used to make pickles in the 1960s. Don’t appear to enjoy it.
- Treat every meal as the most important event in the history of time, not as something you will excrete in under 24 hours.
- Seek authentic food experiences, no matter how terrible they are.
- Cooking for others isn’t a way of showing love, but expressing dominance
- Remember, not everyone shares your food knowledge and refined palate. That’s the source of your power.
I will keep you informed on the publication date. In the meantime, look for the picture of my lunch sandwich on Instagram.
© 2013 Michael Floreak. All rights reserved.
Michael Floreak is a writer and occasional food asshole based in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He can be reached Michael.Floreak at gmail.com