Sarah: Because this is Pumpkin Spice (capitalization on purpose to show respect) flavor, it’s automatically a baseline of at least 2.5 pumpkins. It has a bit of a greasy, “vegetable shortening” under taste, which, if one shovels way too much into one’s mouth-hole, can overwhelm the yummy pumpkin spiciness.

Mike: My biggest concern right now is what gave its life to make the “butter?” I purposely didn’t read the ingredient list before tasting, because how much should I have to endure? But I don’t think any pumpkins were harmed in the making of this butter.

Is it made from peanuts? If it is peanuts, they have as much taste as a Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show. Cookies? I don’t know what you’d have to do to a cookie to get it to turn it into this, but it wouldn’t be pretty. Also, like a Real Housewives reunion show.

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My biggest concern right now is what gave its life to make the “butter?” — Mike

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Sarah: Overall, I give it 3.5 pumpkins.

Mike: It’s people, isn’t it? Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter is people.

Update: I checked the label and still don’t know what it’s made from because all 10,000 ingredients are listed in 4-point type. It’s definitely people and I will definitely heed the warning to keep it way from the refrigerator. I do not want the souls of those unfortunates coming back to haunt me. BTW, I have now tasted it and I understand nothing.