My One Sentence Reviews of the Top Grossing Films of 2022 (None of Which I’ve Actually Seen)

After a pandemic break, moviegoing is back and better than ever!

Here’s your year-end guide to all the biggest hits at the cineplex from someone who has been out of the house twice in the past three years, and would really rather never encounter the term “multiverse” ever again.

One thing you can say about the blockbusters of 2022, they sure busted some block: and made generous use of colons. 

  1. Top Gun: Maverick
    Many decades later, an elderly pilot stays active with homoerotic beach sports. ($718,318,561)

  2. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
    They filmed some of this a mile from my house, but I think I’m good after watching the other one that they didn’t film near my house. ($428,162,231)

  3. Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness
    A Strange Doctor who is also Crazy does stuff in Multiple universes, I guess. ($411,331,607)

  4. Jurassic World: Dominion
    Will someone just toss a couple roast chickens to the goddamn dinosaurs already and see if that makes them stop? ($376,009,080)

  5. Minions: The Rise of Gru
    If you’re 5 or know someone who’s 5, it’s why you suddenly had an urge to buy new Minions merch. ($369,500,210)

  6. The Batman
    “My parents are still murdered and I’m still sad about it.” ($369,345,583)

  7. Thor: Love and Thunder
    The last one was better.* ($343,256,830)

  8. Spider-Man: No Way Home
    The 33rd Spider-Man movie of the year also offers three times the Spider-Mans! ($293,928,392)

  9. Sonic the Hedgehog 2
    The beloved blue character makes a much anticipated return in a new epic chapter that will take your breath away and shatter cinematic boundaries only hinted at in the first. ($231,808,708)

  10. Avatar: The Way of Water
    Oh sweet Jesus, who other than James Cameron and a bunch of Chinese investors could endure the first one then say, “What we really need is another 46-hour movie about the world’s most insufferable Smurfs?” ($190,872,904)

*Editor’s Note: I actually saw Thor: Love and Thunder in a movie theater. It was Thorish and I was glad to be out of the house, but I’m also glad I didn’t get COVID because I would’ve felt really stupid for making it this far, then dying because of Thor: Love and Thunder.