When I’m not offering my moving insights about hotdog buns, people pay me to work as a branding consultant. If you don’t know what a branding consultant does, it’s okay. That’s what I count on to keep my hourly rate as high as possible.
Sometimes I help companies name their products. Sometimes I help them communicate their brand promise.
I don’t think I’m giving away too many trade secrets if I say that a brand promise is the one message companies want to stick in your head about their brand. It’s important stuff and companies pay big bucks to craft every word correctly.
Because I’m a giver by nature, I’m going to give away literally millions of dollars worth of free brand consulting today with some updated brand promises based on my recent experiences with a few well-known, or not so well-known, brands.
Our carpet smells like the urinal of a thousand hobos
Grandma’s gotta buy underpants somewhere
Sit down and shut up
Sit down and shut up. Or upgrade now for $39
Feel bad while eating good
Where every child is entitled to range freely behind the sushi counter
For crissakes, it’s just a car
We only make one thing: dicks
We’re not as bad as McDonald’s
When you care just enough to want credit for acknowledging your co-worker’s birthday
To the businesses of America: you’re welcome.