Advertising, Helpful, Silliness, Uncategorized

Branding 101: Always keep your promises


When I’m not offering my moving insights about hotdog buns, people pay me to work as a branding consultant. If you don’t know what a branding consultant does, it’s okay. That’s what I count on to keep my hourly rate as high as possible.

Sometimes I help companies name their products. Sometimes I help them communicate their brand promise.

I don’t think I’m giving away too many trade secrets if I say that a brand promise is  the one message companies want to stick in your head about their brand. It’s important stuff and companies pay big bucks to craft every word correctly.

Because I’m a giver by nature, I’m going to give  away literally millions of dollars worth of free brand consulting today with some updated brand promises based on my recent experiences with a few well-known, or not so well-known, brands.


Our carpet smells like the urinal of a thousand hobos



Grandma’s gotta buy underpants somewhere


American Airlines

Sit down and shut up


United Airlines

Sit down and shut up. Or upgrade now for $39


Harvest Co-op

Feel bad while eating good


Whole Foods

Where every child is entitled to range freely behind the sushi counter



For crissakes, it’s just a car



We only make one thing: dicks



We’re not as bad as McDonald’s


Copley Flair

When you care just enough to want credit for acknowledging your co-worker’s  birthday


To the businesses of America: you’re welcome.