Thinking and writing about food. Not always in that order.

Archive for September, 2012|Monthly archive page

Branding 101: Always keep your promises

In Advertising, Helpful, Silliness, Uncategorized on September 29, 2012 at 10:21 am

 

When I’m not offering my moving insights about hotdog buns, people pay me to work as a branding consultant. If you don’t know what a branding consultant does, it’s okay. That’s what I count on to keep my hourly rate as high as possible.

Sometimes I help companies name their products. Sometimes I help them communicate their brand promise.

I don’t think I’m giving away too many trade secrets if I say that a brand promise is  the one message companies want to stick in your head about their brand. It’s important stuff and companies pay big bucks to craft every word correctly.

Because I’m a giver by nature, I’m going to give  away literally millions of dollars worth of free brand consulting today with some updated brand promises based on my recent experiences with a few well-known, or not so well-known, brands.

Macy’s

Our carpet smells like the urinal of a thousand hobos

 

Sears

Grandma’s gotta buy underpants somewhere

 

American Airlines

Sit down and shut up

 

United Airlines

Sit down and shut up. Or upgrade now for $39

 

Harvest Co-op

Feel bad while eating good

 

Whole Foods

Where every child is entitled to range freely behind the sushi counter

 

Toyota

For crissakes, it’s just a car

 

BMW

We only make one thing: dicks

 

Quiznos

We’re not as bad as McDonald’s

 

Copley Flair

When you care just enough to want credit for acknowledging your co-worker’s  birthday

 

To the businesses of America: you’re welcome.