Ask a Food Blogger: Is Twitter right for me?

As a blogger with no real expertise in anything, I decided it was time to offer my advice to people in need. My first foray into the world of advice columnist is for a celebrity with a social media problem.

twitter-bird-angry-curse-1Dear Ask a Food Blogger,
I’m a high-strung minor celebrity with a lucrative television gig and impulse control problems. Should I engage more extensively with my fans via Twitter? I feel I have so much to say and I’ve heard good things about Tweets. What’s there to lose?
— Eat a bag of D!¢k$ Y’all


Twitter is very popular among celebrities of all kinds. But it’s not for everyone. Since I love those Buzzfeed quizzes that help answer important questions like “Which Golden Girl Are You?,” I created a quiz so you can decide if you should risk your future livelihood by taking to Twitter. You didn’t indicate whether you’re a food personality, former reality show contestant, actor, or all of the above, so I’ve included a few scenarios for you to consider.

Good luck.

What Twitter Type Are You?

1. If people know you at all, it’s for stuffing enormous sausages in your mouth. Right before your big new series launches, you inadvertently post a hashtag that some people interpret as pro-eating disorder. Haters begin to hate all over the twittasphere. How do you respond?

A) Close your Twitter (or in this case Instagram) account immediately.

B) Send an apology saying you didn’t understand the connotations of what you were tweeting and that you support people who struggle with eating disorders. Then get off Twitter until it passes.

C) Keep the dialog going by calling the haters “c*nt$” and suggesting that they “grab a razor blade and draw a bath.” Then issue an apology in hopes that your new show will still air.

2) People recognize you as one of their least favorite cheftestants from a reality cooking show. Your new restaurant receives a good, but not stellar, review from your city’s restaurant critic. Your Twitter strategy consists of:

A) Accepting the criticism and moving on.

B) Sending out a personal tweet to the critic encouraging her to come back in a month after things settle in.

C) Promptly composing the following: “f#¢k you! Your reviews are misleading poorly written,self serving and you have destroyed the star system and you really suck.” Satisfied with the result, become the first person to favorite the tweet. Then add that you are banning the critic from your restaurants in the future.

3) You’re fondly remembered as that dude who f#¢ked a pie 20 years ago, although, surprisingly, you also have a pretty sweet role right now. An airline tragedy that you are in no way involved with has just occurred. Details are still unclear. Is this the right time to tweet?

A) No.

B) I might tweet a general condolence to all involved.

C) Holy s%!t yes. I have some great one-liners about air travel that I’m waiting to break out.

If you answered A to any question, you are a Careful Tweeter. You choose your words thoughtfully and care about the feelings of others. Twitter might not be for you.

But since you are a celebrity, it’s almost certain that you answered C to all the questions. You are Born to Tweet and have composed your first racist, sexist, homophobic, poorly spelled expletive-filled rant by now. Possibly accompanied by a photo of your junk.

Just remember to go with your gut, Tweet fast, and always have the last word. God made publicists to clean this s%!t up later.