Silliness, Things I like

I want my food TV

old-television-photoTop Chef is the only food show that I watch regularly and now season 10 is over.

True, the cheftestants of Top Chef Seattle weren’t the most cheftastic ever. But Kristen Kish won and she’s cute, from Boston and the second female Top Chef, so that’s something to be chefcited about. No one got diarrhea on the cruise to Alaska. That’s good too.

At some point, Curtis “The Caveman with Golden Highlights” Stone will appear to host a new round of Top Chef Masters, as soon as they can find 16  accomplished chefs who are willing to cook a Thanksgiving dinner using only stuff they find left in seats at a bowling alley and Hellmanns® real mayonnaise. But who knows when that will be.

I need a new show to watch — now.

I tried watching The Taste, but once the search lights start flashing and people begin disappearing into those Pods and Ludo is swearing in French, my seizure begins. When I come to, I wonder exactly why Anthony Bourdain is a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and then I’m too confused to enjoy watching Nigella guess what’s on her spoon.

Since all the other food shows are even worse than The Taste, I think I’m going to have to create my own.

Here’s my lineup.

“My Scallop was Perfectly Cooked” | 8 PM 
A panel of renowned  chefs led by Emeril Lagasse eat scallops that have been perfectly cooked – each nicely seared with a dark crust on the outside, yet still tender inside. The contestant who has prepared a perfectly cooked scallop yet is the least telegenic or whose tantrums/whining has finally worn too thin is asked to “Pack your perfectly cooked scallop and get the F out of here.”

Rachael vs. Guy “Celebrity” Death Match | 9 PM
Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, Food Network’s most dangerously upbeat personalities, mentor a team of “celebrities” in a fight to the death using weapons improvised from kitchen utensils (available at Who will be the last “celebrity” standing? It could be Michael Lohan wielding a rusty can opener.  Or a lesser Baldwin brother clutching a bloody corkscrew. In the end, we’re all winners.

“WHEEE!!!!!!: The Tweets of Mario Battali | 10 PM
Mario Batalli spends a full hour reading his Tweets out loud while his face turns as bright orange as his clogs. A few excerpts: “#batalibreakfast Wheeeee Leo’s Nutella French toast!! Can you say agnolotti?? Yumbangwheee!! Happy birthday @itspetergabriel Smart, sharp and imminently danceable Wheeeeeeeeee!!! Keep walking fool.Byby!  Wheeeee! Jewel is the most delightful guest every visit to @thechewWatch today on ABC!!  2/lb. + 2 cups breadcrumbs !!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!!” Remember, that’s a full 60 minutes of Mario. No commercials. No stopping to catch his breath.

If someone could please arrange for me to take a meeting at the Food Network, my schedule is now free Wednesdays at 10 p.m., 9 central time.