Curmdgeon, Food Asshole

The Food Asshole’s Dilemma

I’ve been thinking lately about writing a book. 

I admire this fella Michael Pollan and notice that he’s been very successful with his books, many of which seem to include rules, lists and whatnot.

So here’s my idea . . .

Made it: Scallops with something
I made this. The scallops were seasonal and from Nantucket. I applied an Instagram filter. But I didn’t use tweezers to place the microgreens. For that, I am ashamed.

I study about food and realize that other people are also interested in food, but not all of them have yet learned to be completely obnoxious about it.  I will write a book that teaches people to wield a little food knowledge and a lot of self-righteousness at every meal to become truly insufferable food assholes.

The Food Asshole’s Dilemma.
Here are the rules that every “foodie” must learn.

  1. Eat food, mostly overpriced and hyper local.
  2. Except for food that is very obscure, even more overpriced and imported from very far away indeed.
  3. Eat what your grandmother ate, but only the things that take so long to prepare that she gave up making them long ago.
  4. If you eat meat, eat only the disgusting parts.
  5. If you don’t eat meat, let everyone know about it. All the time.
  6. Be vocal, very, very vocal.
  7. Be critical, very, very critical. But only of others.
  8. If you aren’t willing to invest in a set of tweezers, a cold smoker and a sous vide machine, just eat a Hot Pocket for chrissakes.
  9. Take many, many pictures of everything you eat and post them on Instagram without fail. Otherwise, eating didn’t count.
  10. Dining out is a sport. Unless you write a scathing review on Yelp and your food blog, you’ve lost.
  11. Drink your tea from a canning jar that your grandmother used to make pickles in the 1960s. Don’t appear to enjoy it.
  12. Treat every meal as the most important event in the history of time, not as something you will excrete in under 24 hours.
  13. Seek authentic food experiences, no matter how terrible they are.
  14. Cooking for others isn’t a way of showing love, but expressing dominance
  15. Remember, not everyone shares your food knowledge and refined palate. That’s the source of your power.

I will keep you informed on the publication date. In the meantime, look for the picture of my lunch sandwich on Instagram.