I saw the first plea today on Facebook: “What should I do with all the zucchini coming from my garden.” There’s really only one answer. Throw them in the motherf’ing garbage.
Zucchini are the Donald Trump Jr. of the garden. One appearance is one too many. But those persistent little bastards just don’t get it and keep coming back for more.
No one has ever said: “The thing I look forward to most about summer is a vegetable with a weirdly bitter peel and interior flesh that tastes like a wet paper towel. And best of all, they just keep metastasizing until I simply can’t take it anymore.”
That’s zucchini. They’re the cockroaches of the squash family. They’re rats with a bit of chlorophyll. On the plus side, eating one does provide slightly more Vitamin A than an actual cockroach or rat.
If you’re dumb enough to sow these seeds of despair in your garden willingly (and why people do this is beyond comprehension), please know that NOBODY wants to share in your misery. If you give someone a bag of these freshly picked nightmares, they may say, “Thank you.” They may say ,“You’re too kind.” But they’re thinking, “I can’t wait until I find a motherf’ing trash can.”
No one has eaten a zucchini by choice. Not grilled. Not raw. Not roasted, smoked, dried, candied, or shredded into a slaw. Not wrapped around a weiner or fried into a fritter. Not baked into a quiche, buried under eggs, or pulverized into a dip. When a restaurant says their vegetable of the day is “summer medley” you know it’s 98% zucchini and 100% inedible. It’s just one more way to dump zucchini on an unsuspecting audience. What about those cultures where zucchini are a dietary staple? They must love it? There are also places in the world where people eat rats and “Chilis on the Go.” But everyone knows they’d really rather be anywhere else, eating anything else.
So this summer, If you find yourself buried alive by nice corn on the cob, lovely heirloom tomatoes, super-fresh green beans, or crispy radishes, you’ve grown in your garden, share away. But if you’re overrun by kudzuchini, know that you inflicted that on yourself.
And you need to go it alone.
Enough with the fun and games.
What can you do to use up that bounty of summer zucchini?
When life gives you zucchini, try one of these!
Here are my favorite tips.
1. Sneak a cup of shredded zucchini into your favorite brownie recipe. Your children will learn to hate brownies – and you!
2. Call them “courgette” and your family won’t know they’re actually eating zucchini. They’ll just think you’re a pretentious twit.
3. Make a gift for friends of lovely home-baked zucchini bread, wrapped in white butcher paper and red and white twine. Then throw them in the motherf’ing garbage.
4. Stuff zucchini blossoms with a mixture of lemon zest and ricotta cheese. Lightly batter, and pan fry. Actually this is really delicious. And it’s a pre-emptive strike against these monsters.
5. Perk up your favorite summer recipe by substituting zucchini for other similar ingredients including – um, um, um. The material they use to fill disposable diapers? Never mind this one.
6. Write “Free Zucchini” on a paper bag and fill with $10,000 in small bills (and zucchini!) Then leave it on a busy street corner. Your next big drug deal will be a smashing success. No one will ever touch a bag marked “Free Zucchini.”
7. Frame the dumb bastards for your treasonous presidential campaign and hope they go away for a very long time.