Cookie Butter: Is it butter? Is it cookies? Or is it something else entirely?

screen-shot-2016-11-01-at-8-42-06-amFloreakeats is tackling one of the most important issues dividing American families today: Pumpkin Spice. 

It’s a free country (for a few more days at least) and people can put a shot of whatever the hell they want in their Dunkaccino. I’m trying to figure things out. See what I’m missing. So, I’ve invited my cousin Sarah Parviz, a spice-lover, and fellow curmudgeon to taste-test and jointly review spice-ish products.

In today’s edition, Sarah and I approach an intriguingly spreadable offering from Trader Joe’s.

Autumn is a good time to make necessary household repairs.

Trader Joes Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter

Sarah: I have a warning, and a review. First, the warning – under no circumstances should you open this jar and start stuffing the cookie butter into your mouth like you are a starving wolverine, finishing approximately 25% of the jar in one sitting. It may color your opinion of this product and give you the sugar-gags. Not that I would know anything about this, but I’ve heard things…

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“Under no circumstances should you open this jar and start stuffing the cookie butter into your mouth like you are a starving wolverine.” — Sarah

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Mike: Well, that’s not something you encounter every day. There’s a lot of ginger on the front end and a lot of tiny crunchy bits on the back-end. I suppose those are “cookies?” It has a very autumny taste for sure – and what a unique texture!

I can easily imagine myself donning a nice a warm sweater, opening a jar of this, then using it to fill cracked plaster in my hallway.

Sarah: Because this is Pumpkin Spice (capitalization on purpose to show respect) flavor, it’s automatically a baseline of at least 2.5 pumpkins. It has a bit of a greasy, “vegetable shortening” under taste, which, if one shovels way too much into one’s mouth-hole, can overwhelm the yummy pumpkin spiciness.

Mike: My biggest concern right now is what gave its life to make the “butter?” I purposely didn’t read the ingredient list before tasting, because how much should I have to endure? But I don’t think any pumpkins were harmed in the making of this butter.

Is it made from peanuts? If it is peanuts, they have as much taste as a Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show. Cookies? I don’t know what you’d have to do to a cookie to get it to turn it into this, but it wouldn’t be pretty. Also, like a Real Housewives reunion show.

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My biggest concern right now is what gave its life to make the “butter?” — Mike

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Sarah: Overall, I give it 3.5 pumpkins.

Mike: It’s people, isn’t it? Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter is people.

Update: I checked the label and still don’t know what it’s made from because all 10,000 ingredients are listed in 4-point type. It’s definitely people and I will definitely heed the warning to keep it way from the refrigerator. I do not want the souls of those unfortunates coming back to haunt me. BTW, I have now tasted it and I understand nothing. 

Oct 6 Here we go again!

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