Like many of you, I’m American. Which means my ass is so large that it is barely contained comfortably by my Bob-O-Riffic recliner. (Incidentally, in addition to being a very comfortable place to sit for 16 hours a day, the Bob-O-Riffic elevates my feet above my heart. I’ve used that feature in place of a defibrillator on several occasions. Thanks Bob.)
Also like many of you, I am eating a box of Froot Loops the size of a mini-fridge which I bought for 99 cents at Costco. Yet I have no idea why I’m so friggin’ fat.
Although I’m no Sherlock Holmes, I think I’m starting to figure this out . . .
1. Fox Business and the President of Slow Food USA blame it on government subsidies that make Froot Loops cheaper than actual Froot. Now it’s no surprise that those pinkos at Slow Food USA might have “issues” with my Froot Loops — after all they believe all the food we eat should be grown in actual soil, picked by actual people, and cooked at home rather than handed to us through a drive thru window. But it’s interesting that Fox Business seems to concur that $3.5 billion in subsidies to large agribusiness is bad for my waistline. They may be on to something. It’s hard to argue that it’s not a great idea to provide subsidies that benefit large agribusiness which grow the very crops that are used in the cheap processed foods, while smaller farmers who grow actual food receive squat.
2. The Harvard School of Public Health seems to think I’m fat because I eat crappy food all day and all night. So, next to my Bob-O-Riffic, I like to keep a vending machine well stocked with Mountain Dew, Andy Capp’s Pork Rinds, and Tropical Fruit Skittlles (but I had the Dale Earnhardt Jr. Cheeseburger and Pulled Pork Sandwiches removed, for health reasons.) I’m starting to think it’s more than coincidental that the harder I hit the pork rinds after midnight, the fatter I’m getting. Those people at Harvard ARE smart.
3. Michele Obama and the Olive Garden are involved in some crazy conspiracy saying that french fries and spaghetti are making my kid fat. This sounds to me like a government takeover of our most beloved horrible American restaurants. Making Olive Garden, Red Lobster, and Texas Something or Other feed our fat little kids something other than french fries, is socialism. We can only hope that the government runs these crappy restaurants as well as they run the post office so our children may experience the freedom of eating themselves into a fat stupor.
4. The Surgeon General thinks the ladies would be less fat if they just quit fussing with their goddamned hair. While this doesn’t apply to me, I am intrigued. But primarily because the Surgeon General of the USA chose to talk about this while attending a hair care tradeshow. Although it’s an interesting premise that women, African American women in particular, don’t work out because they fear messing up their hair, what I really learned from this study is that the Surgeon General is forced to attend tradeshows that sound even less interesting than the ones I have to go to for work.