The Food Asshole’s Dilemma

I’ve been thinking lately about writing a book. 

I admire this fella Michael Pollan and notice that he’s been very successful with his books, many of which seem to include rules, lists and whatnot.

So here’s my idea . . .

Made it: Scallops with something
I made this. The scallops were seasonal and from Nantucket. I applied an Instagram filter. But I didn’t use tweezers to place the microgreens. For that, I am ashamed.

I study about food and realize that other people are also interested in food, but not all of them have yet learned to be completely obnoxious about it.  I will write a book that teaches people to wield a little food knowledge and a lot of self-righteousness at every meal to become truly insufferable food assholes.

The Food Asshole’s Dilemma.
Here are the rules that every “foodie” must learn.

  1. Eat food, mostly overpriced and hyper local.
  2. Except for food that is very obscure, even more overpriced and imported from very far away indeed.
  3. Eat what your grandmother ate, but only the things that take so long to prepare that she gave up making them long ago.
  4. If you eat meat, eat only the disgusting parts.
  5. If you don’t eat meat, let everyone know about it. All the time.
  6. Be vocal, very, very vocal.
  7. Be critical, very, very critical. But only of others.
  8. If you aren’t willing to invest in a set of tweezers, a cold smoker and a sous vide machine, just eat a Hot Pocket for chrissakes.
  9. Take many, many pictures of everything you eat and post them on Instagram without fail. Otherwise, eating didn’t count.
  10. Dining out is a sport. Unless you write a scathing review on Yelp and your food blog, you’ve lost.
  11. Drink your tea from a canning jar that your grandmother used to make pickles in the 1960s. Don’t appear to enjoy it.
  12. Treat every meal as the most important event in the history of time, not as something you will excrete in under 24 hours.
  13. Seek authentic food experiences, no matter how terrible they are.
  14. Cooking for others isn’t a way of showing love, but expressing dominance
  15. Remember, not everyone shares your food knowledge and refined palate. That’s the source of your power.

I will keep you informed on the publication date. In the meantime, look for the picture of my lunch sandwich on Instagram.

66 thoughts on “The Food Asshole’s Dilemma

  1. Did we forget about portion size? If you leave the table full it means you simply ate food, not “art”, which nourishes the soul, but not necessarily the body.

  2. I eat only locally grown food. Since I live in southern New Mexico this limits me to red and green chile peppers. I am supporting the environment through ulcerative colitis.

  3. “Eat what your grandmother ate”….let’s see. That would include canned corn, squishy white bread, and Tang. Hmmm.

    Wait, my grandma raised her own chickens, then killed them, plucked them, and cleaned them herself before frying them in Crisco. Does that count?

    1. No shit. My grandmother was Italian but you never would have known it. As soon as Instant coffee, instant mashed potato’s, minute rice, and any other processed food came out she was all set. She also had the first ever Microwave oven which was the size of an old fashioned 42 inch tv.LOL

      1. I wouldn’t mind the foodies if they focused on telling us that their eating style tastes better or is more nutritious or better for the environment, but I do get tired of their fantasy that only a few decades ago everyone was eating virtuous peasanty food – when going back a few decades actually returns us to the glory days of processed everything!

  4. I am pretty sure I love you for this post. I’m one of those food bloggers who cooks homey comfort food with 9000 calories and rolls my eyes at all the pretentious people doing food writing who scoff at anything that isn’t organic, wheat free or costs as much as a mortgage payment. So I absolutely love this article!

  5. Reblogged this on Wine, Women & Wordplay and commented:
    My apologies for my absence, I have been up to my cake hole in relatives (in a good way) for the last week or so. There will be a post to come. In the meantime, enjoy this, which I stumbled across today and which made me laugh. (Food and humour is a next-to-perfect combo for me.)

  6. I have had #10 on my mind for weeks now…I’m a chef/owner and I wonder if it would be in poor taste to don a striped shirt and a whistle around my neck? ps. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve already laminated your list for easy reference and quick penalties on the floor

  7. Love, love, love this. I’m in the wine industry and I get sick of all the hype about wine and food. I tell people “for God’s sake, it’s a beverage, not a Messiah”.

  8. You have opened the flood gates! It’s so good to know so many food people do in fact have a sense of humor about what they do. Thanks for the laugh and the insight. I didn’t know I was food tweezer-less!

  9. This is wonderful, Mike. It made me laugh out loud. I do miss reading your stuff. I’m going to have to come back for more. Keep ‘em coming.

  10. I cringe at the thought that this link will be sent to me repeatedly by those whom I have harangued about their food choices. On the other hand, most of them are too busy watching ‘Real Housewives’ to be exposed to this material.

  11. I’ve definitely been guilty of a few of these ideas, but certainly not the instagram filter. I am sick of people posting filtered images of their food in attempts to look refined!
    However, I’d rather live in a world full of food assholes, who at least think about what they eat, versus those who don’t give a second thought about it!

  12. When I was a kid in France, they called an enthusiastic eater (um, me) “une grosse gourmande”. I never thought it was all that attractive a designation, but hey, it’s better than “food asshole”. I think it’s so sad that those days of pure joy in food are over, that food choices have become so politicized. Such an aggressive way to achieve status.

  13. After serving people food of all levels of quality in restaurants of all types for the past 15 years of my life, I’ll say this:

    Foodies are great. They’re interested in what they’re eating, and they enjoy it. They may be more willing to call out mediocre food for what it is than the rest of us, but they deserve very little of the contempt that is directed at them.

  14. Thanks for the laugh…I reposted on my FB page and all my friends agree – this is me! It also brought some levity to my marriage..hubby laughed out loud. I’m forever making beefheart.

  15. This is just the tip of the iceberg – wait until you tangle with nutrition assholes. Same story with infinitely more delusional fixations.

  16. ha ha ha I LOVE this, I and despise food snobs, they take all the fun out of eating…write this book and I will be the first to buy it!

  17. “Eat what your grandmother ate, but only the things that take so long to prepare that she gave up making them long ago.” My favorite. I remember watching a food documentary with women preparing what their grandmothers made, and my thought was, “If I was in that documentary, I would be preparing Hamburger Helper beef stroganoff and Campbell’s tomato soup sloppy joes.” And I’m pretty certain she felt emancipated. Thanks for sharing!!!

  18. Cara G. sent me here : ) Hi Mike! I am so happy to now have a term for those whose gustatory preferences demand…tolerance…lots. A friend and I here in NYC were just lamenting that when you are going to meet up with an FA for dinner out, you have to go where they want to go, and on the way home eat a second meal on your own. I have literally stopped on my way home after “dinner” to inhale a few slices. I used to feel like a binge eater doing this but now I kind of look forward to it as a reward.

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